I was talking to a friend recently and something came up that struck me as odd. It was a fallacy I say!
Last year in March I came out of a 7+ year relationship. Soon afterward... well, no, later on in the year I met someone who made me forgot about all the hurt. This person did something weird to me - something that I thought could never happen again. As you know, coming out of relationships you feel as if the world has ended - you'll never love again - you know... all the usual depressing cliches. Then someone comes along that sweeps you off your feet. That's what happened. He made me laugh, he made me giddy - he opened my eyes again, well - the point is that I'm happy. I won't go into details because this isn't a post about relationships.
However, I was told that it seemed like I was afraid to be alone. At first I thought - well, maybe it's because the times that they see me, I'm usually with my boyfriend. So, I rebut by saying that--- no, no, I love being alone (which is the truth), I often go to coffee shops by myself, I'll go eat by myself, I've even gone to the movies by myself. I have no problem with being alone. I often prefer watching an artsy flick by myself so that I can really get into it. I like walking by myself... it gives me time to think. I like being in the car by myself because it gives me the chance to crank up the music as loud as I can while I sing at the top of my lungs. So, I go off into a wild tangent on how he's wrong... I'm NOT afraid of being alone... if anything, I embrace it.
Then, he says that that's not what he meant... he meant to say that I'm afraid of being alone... as in... reference to relationships. I'm afraid to not be in a relationship. I thought this was preposterous. It definitely got me thinking, though. Am I afraid to not be in a relationship? I couldn't help but look at the facts... Soon after I came out of that long-term relationship... I landed into another one.
So, as I think about it some more, I am more than certain that that statement couldn't be further from the truth. It's happenstance that I am in another relationship, yes, that is true. At the end of the day, I like holding his hand because I like to feel his palm resting on mine while his fingers curl between my fingers- however, they're saying that I'm holding his hand because I'm afraid to not have my hand held. That seems so ridiculous to me. I like the feeling of being wanted and of wanting... who doesn't? If I had the option of knowing that I can wake up day after day to know--- that there's someone there who loves you--- or someone there you can lie down with--- or someone who will always be there for you---- someone who you feel as if the world meant nothing without this person--- someone who simply inspires you to love--- someone who you could look into and drown away in his being--- someone who you could hug and feel as if the whole world has melted away- If I had the choice to pick that from not having that... well, isn't the choice obvious? That doesn't mean, however, that I'm afraid not to have those feelings. I've been there... and I had no problem with it... the thing is that a life like that feels as if I become a mere guest in people's life. At one point, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be just a guest. Someone who they could know for a split second before I vanished. I did that for months... I met people, I met many people, I ended up in strange places... and would forget about it afterwards. The idea of being weighed down - feeling anchored to a singular seemed grotesque to me at one point... if anything, I was afraid to feel the attachment and the stability. I would run away the second I felt as if a person was falling for me because at that time - I didn't want it. I hated the very idea of having to do the same thing all over again: meet someone new, butterflies, sunshine, fall in love, stability, expectations, failures, hurt, pain, forget, meet someone new, etc... I didn't want to do that. So, no, no, I'm not afraid to be alone - if anything I'm afraid to be attached... you have more to lose that way. What happens now, I'm in love, could I take another broken heart if it came? That's far scarier than never having to worry about the pains of relationships.
Enough about my ramblings... this statement just struck me as odd...
